THE ONE EYED CASH STEALING SOCK THIEVING HOME GNOME: vacation

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THE ONE EYED CASH STEALING SOCK THIEVING HOME GNOME:

THE GNOME STOLE MY VACATIONbeach gnome

I was watching survivor the other night and they showed the travel gnome doing all of these vacationy things, as I watched I realized he was doing all of the things I wanted to do. Lying on a beautiful white sandy beach reading a book under the caribbean sun, snorkeling in tropical waters with exotic fish, watching the sun sink into the ocean. All of these things were in my plan for a vacation, but I can’t go on it because that stupid gnome keeps stealing all my money. The other day he bought coffee twice and Mcdonalds, what am I going to do? If I could just catch him, or even trap that money somehow, he no longer would be able to sit in my lounge chair on a caribbean beach or take my mediterranean cruise.

So I have devised a plan to keep my money protected. I put it into an account I can’t even get easy access too, where I have to call someone and they have to transfer it over to me when I need it. Every paycheck all extra money comes out and goes directly into this secret account so that stupid gnome doesn’t even have a chance to get his grubby little hands on it. From this day forward no gnome will ever steal my vacation again. I have truly outsmarted them this time.

I will finally be able to wear my speedo I hope it hasn’t gotten to small. See you at the beach!!

Todd Child (pseudo scientist on the home gnome project)

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome: Set Back

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome:

Set Back

laughing_gnome

You can never be too careful. The moment you let your guard down the gnomes will get you! I was sure that I had completely destroyed the gnome defences and was home free ignorantly going back to carrying and using my debit cards. The gnomes have not been idol though for they have been waging a stealthy guerrilla attack on me. Messing with my acct by switching money around making it difficult to find when i am looking for it, like when I am standing in line at the overly expensive ice cream shop after just having purchased 11 ice creams which are being pounded down by some very enthusiastic teenagers and now the money has mysteriously disappeared. Frantically I plug in every card I have  and punch all the account numbers I can think of, looking for a solution. But there I stand holding up the line as people come up and pay and give me the pained pitiful look. Frantically I reached out to my network; luckily one of my agents was close by and we were able to put together a plan where the debt was resolved (He paid; thanks again Morris).

The nasty gnomes are making this personal. I now realize that it is not safe for me to carry around any plastic no matter how much i believe the gnome threat has been eradicated. I must remain vigilant and never give in to the temptation to let them have control. Cash is the only way to live a gnome free life. It is my duty to pass on the word to all who will listen. Don’t let those gnomes trick you. We can be in control of our cash flow again. We can wrestle it out of the hands of those accursed creature; it just take diligence and perseverance. We may never have to stand in line again, worried the gnomes have played with our accounts or stolen our cash. We can be confident that we can afford what we have purchased and never be a spectacle waiting to be rescued, with goods in hand and no ability to pay. So I say to you gnome of this world, you got me this time, but I am onto you. Stupid Gnomes!!!!

Todd Child (Embarrassed Pseudo Scientist on the Home Gnome Project)

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome: Containment

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome:

Containing The Threat

gnome jail1

In the last few post I have gotten ahead of myself. How can I change government at a national level if i can’t even track the thieving gnomes in my own home?

So being proactive, I have set up traps all over the house, hoping to lure the gnomes in with shards of my cut up credit cards and strategically placing traps next to where I have hidden my debit cards. I no longer travel around with anything but cash on my person, so as not to attract unwanted gnome attention, and I make sure to hand wash all my socks.

It is not easy giving up these basic human rights of unlimited credit at my fingertips, uncontrolled access to my bank account and socks fresh from the dryer, but my quest demands that I go back to the dark ages of finance and live like they did back in the eighties. I hope I don’t have to live in a cave and cook over a fire. Oh the eighties – what a backwards time! I am not proud that I have been reduced to this but I have no other choice. It is either this or have the gnomes slowly rob me blind.

I hope that by writing this, someone may, one day find a way to use plastic without those dastardly beasts destroying their cash flow. But until that time, I am resolving to carry cash and track every cent. Those slippery gnomes have finally met their match.

Todd Child (Pseudo Scientist on the Home Gnome Project)

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome: Government

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome:

Government, It’s Not Their Fault!

game-of-gnomes

The gnomes have overtaken our government. How else do you explain politicians spending all that time campaigning to get elected and then using their years in office to completely alienating the people, to start all over again in the next election cycle trying to convince the people that their opponents are worse than they are. No sane person would run on a platform like that.

I believe another undeniable way to tell that gnomes are infesting the offices of our government officials is the policy to charge more taxes to a people already struggling under the heavy burden of recession. Why else would they look so bewildered when asked about their various reforms. Almost like it was just as much a surprise to them as it was to everybody else. Stupid Gnomes. How about stalling out a major project that would put many people to work to do yet another costly study on a pipeline that already exists. Sounds a bit fishy and what do all of these things have in common? A complete lack of common sense.

So i have come to the conclusion that late at night when the offices are empty the gnomes come out and write ridiculous policy, passing it off as the law of the day. Truly my heart goes out to the  poor government officials left to sell this insanity to the public. Constantly living in a state of bewilderment. It is no wonder the people holding the highest office in the land spend so much of the tax payers money flying around the world, taking time to go skiing and rubbing elbows with celebrities; surely they deserve it. They are just trying to avoid the confusion of daily government life. For years we have had this false belief that they actually knew what they are doing, but I am here to put the record straight. They haven’t any clue. For would any sane person go about systematically destroying the country’s economy, dismantling the very industries that most strongly support economic growth. NO!!!! Would they run on a platform of projected debt that has all but doubled in less than a year in power. NO!!! So as you can see, the only logical conclusion is this country is under siege by little garden ornaments. When you look out your front door and see the ceramic replicas of the vile gnome remember, they may look like they are smiling with you but they are truly laughing at you.

I, for one, choose to take on this gnome threat head on, rooting out the local nuisances and slowly working my way up to the larger threats.

Todd Child (Pseudo Scientist on the home gnome project)

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The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome : Top Secret!

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OFFICE GNOME

The One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome : Top Secret!

For Your Eyes Only

It has been brought to my attention that the home gnome invasion is much bigger than I first thought. They have infiltrated big business, government, and the trade show circuit, manipulating prices and costing us more and more each day. They have been working to gain our acceptance and have lulled us into a sense of helplessness. Charging us greater interest and increasing our fee’s. It finally makes sense. Why else do we pay so much on our cell phone bill? Why do we let the banks charge us fees so they can use our money to reinvest and make more money for themselves? Why else do we go to those trade shows intent on just looking and leave with a set of $5000 pots? It’s the Gnomes I tell You. They have now worked their way into every aspect of our financial life slowly trying to suck us dry. Don’t be fooled by their smiling exterior, for within them lies the heart of darkness. It is now time to fight. No longer do we have to take this lying down. Call your cell phone company and cancel your plan or at the very least get them to reduce it when they are begging you to stay. Change your bank, for there are some gnome free, no fee accounts around, if you are looking. It is time to take back our life and our country, out of the clutches of these vile beast and gain control once again. ARE YOU WITH ME!?

Todd Child (Pseudo scientist on the home gnome project)

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The one Eyed, Cash Stealing, Sock Thieving Home Gnome: Origins

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The one Eyed, Cash Stealing, Sock Thieving Home Gnome: Origins

The home gnome originated in the deserts of Nevada where, until the construction of Las Vegas and Reno, they were little known. Similar to people, they were attracted to the glitz and glamour and soon could be found all over those two cities wreaking havoc wherever they went and getting away with it. So often when their devious mischief was discovered it was blamed on alcohol consumption or gambling and some drunken fool would be left to explain to his wife why they no longer had a cent left to their name. The home gnome soon outgrew Vegas and Reno and could be found in other towns such as Atlantic City, where their relationship with socks truly began. When they were not roaming casino’s they spent a lot of their time in the various laundry’s due to the higher temperature. They would steal the socks for clothing because they had not acclimated to the cold of the more northern regions very quickly. For many years the home gnome did not migrate outside of gambling establishments very often and I have only been able to track a few instances that suggest their involvement. But again, so often these situations were swept under the rug and blamed on a drinking, gambling, or shopping habit. But I know the truth; it was the dastardly Home Gnome.

Tracking down these instances prior to the 80’s was difficult. But as the nineteen eighties began the gnomes started to branch out and you would begin to see them at restaurants where the diners club card was first accepted and soon as credit cards grew in popularity so did the Home Gnome population. It soon became an epidemic of epic proportions to the point where virtually every family in north america had an infestation of these nasty beasts. I have recently made it my mission to eradicate the Home Gnome and push them back into the desert where they belong, to roam the sand dunes and wail at the wind, like they once did, so long ago……….. I know they’re out there.

Todd Child

Pseudo Scientist of The Home Gnome Project

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Exploring the One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome

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Exploring the One Eyed Cash Stealing Sock Thieving Home Gnome

After days of research I have come to the conclusion that the Home Gnome can never truly be eradicated. As long as we wash our socks in a machine and we spend our money, using cards, they will be with us. They are very sneaky and are rarely seen, but have an ability to follow you wherever you go. They become exceptionally vicious if you have a tendency to frequent bars, bingo halls, casinos and car lots. These places are where they make their biggest withdrawals because you are distracted and they can get away with it, but don’t think that just by avoiding these hotbeds of gnome activity that you can avoid their nastiness. No, they are attracted by the smell of credit apps, credit cards and debit card plastic and can track it like a bloodhound, snagging multiple coffees during the week and more fast food than any healthy human would consume. Throwing extra items in your basket while you shop and rolling old payments into new vehicles. This is an epidemic and with my updated tracking techniques I believe I have found a way to control the gnome population and some day I hope to be able to sell them as pets to foreign countries at  large profit. But until that time I implore you, if at all possible leave your debit and credit cards at home when you go out, stay away from car lots and motorcycle or quad stores, hold cash in your wallet as a deterrent and never give into the myth that they are not real, or they win! So until next time keep your socks safe and your cash stashed.

Todd Child

“Pseudo Scientist” on the Home Gnome Project.

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The one eyed cash stealing, sock thieving home gnome.

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The one eyed cash stealing, sock thieving home gnome.

Have you ever gone to the dryer or looked in your sock drawer and realized that you have more orphan socks than pairs? I realize the fix to this is just jump on the mismatched sock band wagon, but I just can’t. Socks were made to match and that just works for my world. Or have you ever put your debit card into the bank at the end of the pay period and you realize that someone has stolen all your money? Because there is no way you could have spent all of it yourself. Well, I believe that I have discovered the culprit. THE ONE EYED CASH STEALING SOCK THIEVING HOME GNOME.

After years of research I believe I that I have discovered that every home is plagued with their very own home gnome. They slink out at night and rifle through your dryer looking for matching pairs of socks, one of which they will confiscate. then they log onto your bank account every night and steal small amounts of cash that they hide in your bank statement as coffee and Mcdonalds and other miniscule purchases. The Home Gnome is very sneaky. So much so that when you go to the bank to report the theft the bank manager is able to publicly embarrass you as he walks you through every single purchase and make you feel two feet tall.

So this is a warning to all of you out there afflicted with this pest. Beware; it is not your fault that you are forced to wear a white sock and a black sock with your three piece suit and that you are constantly running short on funds. I believe that I have proven, using scientific methods, that all of this can be placed squarely on the head of that sneaky home gnome.

STUPID GNOME!!!!!!

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